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Order! Order! Stop Grooming the Backbenchers!
Paperback
Publisher: Independently Published
Published: Nov 4 2025
Pages: 558
Weight: 1.62
Height: 1.24 Width: 6.00 Depth: 9.00
Language: English
Order! Order! Stop Grooming the Backbenchers!
The Greatest Political Banana Split in Modern History
Welcome to the only book that answers the question: What happens when Parliament is run by fruit-obsessed primates, governed by custard, invaded by llamas, broadcast by a global streaming service, and occasionally levitated by a philosophical mandrill in a wig?
Spoiler: Everything happens. Everything-and then some.
This is the definitive, eye-watering, jaw-dropping tale of The Fruitocracy-an era where the United Kingdom abandoned logic, flung its last banana-eclipsing shred of sanity out the window, and elected monkeys in suits to run the country. And it worked. Mostly.
The Plot:
Parliament is sold to BananaPrime+, the world's biggest streaming service. The House of Commons is now a live, bingeable reality show. Boom. Ratings go bananas. Literally. MPs-now Monkey Politicians-hurl fruit at each other, sabotage snack trolleys, create cults based on grooming salons, and stage a diplomatic crisis over plantain etiquette. Ministerial positions are filled by orangutans, squirrels, alpacas, and one very grumpy potato. Meanwhile, a lemur invents juice-based currency and the Chancellor is caught bathing in national banana reserves.
But things really spiral when someone whispers, Your mother eats plantains, sparking the Great Fruit Wars of Westminster. Armies form. Nations react. Luxembourg invades by accident (with waffles). Brigadier Bananarama attempts peace through interpretive dance. And Nigel Nutkins-the breakout star with big eyes, a squirrel tail, and more followers than actual voters-tries to replace Parliament with a trampoline kingdom.
Featured Debates Include:
Should grooming breaks during speeches be compulsory?
Are kiwis birds or fruit, and who do we contact about the crisis?
Can biscuits replace the pound sterling as national currency?
Is Tuesday an enemy combatant?
What is the appropriate volume for shouting ORDER! in a fruit-based democracy?
The Characters
There's Sir Balthazar Banister, the Speaker whose WORDS shake ceilings... until he ascends into the ether.
Lady Clementine Chutney, the citrus-loving Minister of Snacks who seizes Parliament with a croissant of destiny.
Lord Glisten, the Zen Grape Regent whose reforms are so calm, even riots pause for herbal tea.
And Nigel Nutkins, who declares himself Galactic Snack Pope in the middle of a trampoline livestream sponsored by Greggs.
The Themes
Friendship. Chaos. Custard. Political anthropology through simian silliness. If George Orwell and Monty Python had a child and fed it nothing but jam, walnuts, and Newsnight, this would be its diary.
The Legacy
Generations later, archaeologists uncover DemocracyLand, the ruins of an abandoned theme park and legislative arena, with custard stains on the carpets and a plaque that reads: Order Is Not Shouted. It Is Felt. They're not sure whether this was the height of intelligent government-or clear proof that evolution is optional.
Order! Order! Stop Grooming the Backbenchers! is a towering satire of modern politics, a deliriously quotable joyride through fruit and fury, and Britain's most absurd memoir-from-the-future. Strap in, spritz your emotions, and turn the page-because the custard cannon doesn't wait.
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